To: North Pole Staff
CC: Rudolph, Dasher, Prancer
Merry Christmas All,
Good news first! We’ve hired our first ever African-American elf, Jave’el so don’t be alarmed if you see him hip-hopping around. More good news, our “X” presents (Presents dropped out of the sleigh by accident for you newbies) has decreased by 20% this year with only 12,710 dropped resulting in an all time low of 82 deaths. Great job this year staff.
Now the bad news! It’s that time of the year again, that awful time of year again, layoffs. As you all know, the budget has increased for these stupid kids. I love you all, but we had to let people go. Electronics were off the charts this year and I tried my best to fill up the naughty list but these kids are pussies these days. We lost our Coca-Cola sponsorship so we are now deciding between a couple of new sponsors which to name a few included: Bud Light, Bud Light Lime, Bud Light Cranberry and Friday’s Potato Skins. Also, there will be reporters on our asses during the upcoming weeks. As you all know, the Rudolph Scandal has loomed over us these past months and I am doing my best to put out the fire. We will be having media training next week and it is a REQUIREMENT which means ABSOLUTELY NO: Twitter, Facebook, 4chan, Reddit, Buzzfeed or whatever I don’t give a ho ho ho. If anyone has any questions as to why we are keeping Rudolph on staff other than the fact that he brings in 80% of our income, please, speak to me about it and I will GLADLY fucking fire you on the spot. This is a stressful time for all of us and we need to stick together.
Lastly, our annual end of the year Christmas Extravaganza will be held at The Snowman’s Carrot. They were nice enough to take us off the blacklist after our incident two years ago. Once again a little factoid for our newbies, our head Elf decided to take 27 peppermint shots in a span of 30 minutes. We are now limited to a two hour open bar and after it will be $5 domestic drafts and NO SHOTS.
Santa “Big Whitey Beard” Claus
P.S Anyone interested in Mrs. Claus’s Brownie Off please send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org