Santa Email Leak

To: North Pole Staff

CC: Rudolph, Dasher, Prancer

From: Santa

Merry Christmas All,

Good news first! We’ve hired our first ever African-American elf, Jave’el so don’t be alarmed if you see him hip-hopping around. More good news, our “X” presents (Presents dropped out of the sleigh by accident for you newbies) has decreased by 20% this year with only 12,710 dropped resulting in an all time low of 82 deaths. Great job this year staff.

Now the bad news! It’s that time of the year again, that awful time of year again, layoffs. As you all know, the budget has increased for these stupid kids. I love you all, but we had to let people go. Electronics were off the charts this year and I tried my best to fill up the naughty list but these kids are pussies these days. We lost our Coca-Cola sponsorship so we are now deciding between a couple of new sponsors which to name a few included: Bud Light, Bud Light Lime, Bud Light Cranberry and Friday’s Potato Skins. Also, there will be reporters on our asses during the upcoming weeks. As you all know, the Rudolph Scandal has loomed over us these past months and I am doing my best to put out the fire. We will be having media training next week and it is a REQUIREMENT which means ABSOLUTELY NO: Twitter, Facebook, 4chan, Reddit, Buzzfeed or whatever I don’t give a ho ho ho. If anyone has any questions as to why we are keeping Rudolph on staff other than the fact that he brings in 80% of our income, please, speak to me about it and I will GLADLY fucking fire you on the spot. This is a stressful time for all of us and we need to stick together.

Lastly, our annual end of the year Christmas Extravaganza will be held at The Snowman’s Carrot. They were nice enough  to take us off the blacklist after our incident two years ago. Once again a little factoid for our newbies, our head Elf decided to take 27 peppermint shots in a span of 30 minutes. We are now limited to a two hour open bar and after it will be $5 domestic drafts and NO SHOTS.

Signing Off,

Santa “Big Whitey Beard” Claus

P.S Anyone interested in Mrs. Claus’s Brownie Off please send an email to whattheelf@northpole.org

Tagged ,

NFL Bum Rounds Coverage

NFL Bum Rounds Coverage

We couldn’t afford the first round. Luckily, we were able to get some coverage for the later rounds.

Update 1: Apparently they’re not serving curly fries anymore, we were not happy. The draft continued.

Update 2: White dude got drafted, everyone is surprised because they thought the samoan dude was better.

Update 3: Dude sitting in front of me coughed, but the cough sounded like a fart so I texted it to Brian so the dude wouldn’t hear me talking about it.

Update 4: 10 more dudes got drafted when I went to the bathroom. When I sat down the Eagles drafted a coach. Straight up, didn’t think that was possible but he’s like 23 and he looks like he reads Complex.

Update 5: Mic problems hold up…..

Update 6: They’re still fixing it hold up….

Update 7: They told everyone to just be real quiet so they can yell the rest of the draft picks.

Update 8: They just read through the rest of the draft picks like I kid flying through his turn during classroom reading time.

Update 9: Yo….this dummy just said, “Shots on me tonight”, does he know he’s on the practice squad?

Update 10: They just moved us to the front row to make the event look crowded.

Update 11: There’s 8 people watching here and this dude just gave a 10 minute speech then started crying. This dude is a punter and he’s crying. I’m about to laugh real quick.

Update 12: Bum rounds are over. We got free tote bags and starter cards.

Tagged

Spring Fashion Guide

Spring Fashion Guide

Wear one of these every single day, for every single occasion and everyone will think you’re cool.

MUHHFUGGAS NEVER BRUNCHED US

MUHHFUGGAS NEVER BRUNCHED US

REMEMBAH???!

more booty coming soon you guys, we promise. we’ve been busy making “content” aka pictures of Drake on bratwurst aka giving the people what they want.

(as always, Brian is available for hire for all your hot-dog-drake photoshop needs. past work includes putting kanye’s head on a bee!!!!!!)

FYI: Tiff’s Oscar Party Pls RSVP

Bcc: Karlg_@gmail.com

From: tiffxo84xo@gmail.com

Hi ALL,

It’s that time of year again (drumroll pleeeaaase LOL) Tiff’s annual Oscar Party! Same place, this time without the in-laws LOL. This will be a black and white event (minus the blacks LOL sorry Jashon I had to) so come dressed to impress. There will be wine and food provided, Luke and I only ask that a few volunteer to bring:

- A great attitude

- A hungry tummy

- Plastic cups (We didn’t find the right deal at Costco)

We will make our predictions starting at the Red Carpet Preshow and we will also feature our own Red Carpet outside with a photographer from the local high school! Which will be followed by interviews and our favorite “Karaoke performances”!

I hope to see you all there!

xoxoTiff

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

To: tiffxo84xo@gmail.com

From: karlg_@gmail.com

Dear Tiff,

I could see every “person” you emailed this to and I can clearly see that I was the only person who was emailed. This is not an annual event or an event at all, I will not come over and watch the Oscar’s with you. I am not interested in dating you.

Best,

Karl

Tagged , ,

Beyonce’s Surfing Academy

Beyonce's Surfing Academy

Tired of avoiding trips to the islands? Avoiding those weekend ragers at the shore? Barely being able to irritate that wood?

Beyonce’s Surfing Academy is here just for you!

Starting from age 3 and up we’ll teach you all the aspects of the great art of surfing!
Our trainers range from former pro surfers, shop owners, and sometimes Beyonce herself!
Use the promo code: GRDNWUD to get 50% off your first week!

Our academy is located in the soulful Brooklyn borough, the hotbed of basketball, and now SURFING! Classes are filling up, make your purchase today!

Tagged ,

R.I.P.

“only the good die young.” -Billy Gerbil

It’s been ten years since my brother and I came home from church one day and my dad said “Becky died” and my brother said “who?” and my dad said “the gerbil.” While the official cause of death was labeled a stroke, details about her passing have always been suspect. My brother had a guinea pig named Stuart who always had it out for Becky after she turned him down. But after the media frenzy died down and cops couldn’t pin anything on Stuart, the case went cold. Alas, tears won’t bring back Becky. We must remember the good times we had instead, like the time she was getting high with the neighbor’s dog and the parents came home early, or when she ate that whole bag of seeds and everyone said she couldn’t do it.

Rest In Peace Becky. Gone 2 Soon.

Caught on Camera

This ignorant ass dude came on my bus today, caught him on my iPhone

Tagged

This happened at: Subway

Customer: “I just looked over my receipt and I got charged twice for both sandwiches.”

Subway Don: “Let me see please.”

(Looks over it)

Subway Don: “We can refund money, can I see you card again?”

Customer: “You sure? I don’t want it charging me again.”

Subway Don: “No, no no we can refund.”

(Customer hands the card and rambles about her past experience at Denny’s? Arbie’s? I don’t fucking remember)

Subway Don: “Okay we will refund now”

(Customer tries to complain again)

Subway Don: “Here’s what I can do..”

(Subway Don hands the customer a $1 Chocolate Chip Cookie)

DAAAAAAAAAAAMN

Tagged ,

motivate your booty

motivate your booty

~**ugh, so true, needed this, luv u guys**~ <333

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.