a rap about soup

“awhhhh im bad to the bone

hit me with another bowl of that minestrone and I’m goooone…

gone, gone, going, until i’m back for more

please sir can I have some more

please sir i’m such a dirty soup whore

I dont have to eat standing i’ll sit down on the floor

just please sir give me some more

fire cant melt steal beams like that,

if you look at building 7 you’ll see the government is whack

AHH THROW YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR IF YOU LIKE ITALIAN WEDDING

EVERY NIGHT I GO TO SLEEP ON A OYSTER CRACKER BEDDING

some people say chili’s not soup i say that’s not cool

i’m top of the class, got straight As in soup school

IF YOU CANT TAKE THE HEAT THEN STAY OUT OF THE KITCHEN

EVERYBODY KNOWS BUILDING 7 WAS A CONTROLLED DEMOLITION

chicken noodle soup be the original gangster

i’m dropping acid in your broccoli cheddar like a lil’ merry prankster,

some people like their soup with some butternut squash,

some like soup with a bit of heat like a soupy Chris Bosh

Bush knew about the towers, he didn’t move for seven minutes,

IF YOU’RE EATING GREEN I SUGGEST SOME CREAMY SPINACHHHHH…

i got too much soup in too much cans,

if you don’t like soup then come see me with the hands,

if you don’t like soup you’re weird and strange

DUDE CHECK OUT ON YOUTUBE THE DOCUMENTARY LOOSE CHANGE!!!!!!!

this was a rap about soup.

hot cool new lawyer just 4 teens

“more like GROAN-ups amirite?

it’s like, can you get it a-DUHHHH-lts????

moms and dads? I think more like DON’TCARE-ents!!!!!!

Hey Teens, it’s Brett J. Zenith here, official Teen Attorney-at-Law. Are you sick of a curfew? Groaning over being grounded? Tired of YOUR juvenile rights being trampled on? Well don’t worry, Brett J. Zenith here is on your side. I’m not afraid of ANY moms or dads and I’ll fight for YOU. Don’t live with a mom or a dad? NOT A PROBLEM I am personally responsible for putting over a DOZEN grandmas and grandpas behind bars but I only see that as a DOZEN MORE FREE TEENS!!! I have the experience and the know-how to stand up to anyone over the age of 28 and I know big words and I’m not afraid to use them. But don’t just take my big words for it, listen up to the testimonials of these FREE TEENS!!!!

“Mom said Jess couldn’t stay over because we’re both only 16 and not married yet and don’t know what love is, but now Mom’s gone and thanks to my lawyer BJ Zenith I’m getting HJs on the couch whenever I want.”

-Brady McNamara age 16

“Dad said I couldn’t smoke weed in the garage anymore because my shithead friends are the reason I’m falling behind in school, but ever since Mr. Zenith took care of Dad, Derek Dave and Jimmy are over all the time now and we smoke weed on Dad’s side of the bed and order wings whenever we want, it’s dope, Mr. Zenith rules!”

-Jeremy Hoff age 18

“Mom said I couldn’t go to EDC this year even though literally every single other kid in my class was going, like not even kidding every single one. But then I called Mr. Z and Mom got sent to Rikers Island and the only island I got sent to was Governors Ball!!!! Mr. Z even hooked it up with backstage passes, he’s the shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!”

-Sarah O’ Gara age 17

See what I told ya, I’m a certified gold friend to teens everywhere, and the number one enemy to all moms and dads. The cool kids whisper my names in the hallways of the cool schools, during lunch at the cool table where all the cool kids are sitting. They say my rates are fair and everyone knows I’ll fight so friggin’ hard against those damn moms and dads. And everyone knows, if I beat the case fast enough…I pay for everyone’s bus fare down to the skateboarding park and show off my new skating moves. The lines are open, call 1-866-FRE-TEEN today!!!”

(standard rates may apply, Brett J. Zenith may not be a real name or even a real person for that matter, do not check with the American Bar Association if there is a Brett J. Zenith registered within their database, you will not find him. Brett J. Zenith may however be the smartest disgruntled 12 year old in his class but he is under-appreciated by both his peers and so-called mentors and he swears, one day they’ll see his full potential, he’ll make them all pay, each. and. every. single. one.)

real and cool picture Brett J. Zenith, a good lawyer for cool teens who want to be free.

Most Used Words of 2015

Everyone loved seeing the “Words of 2014″ but how about letting the new guys get some shine? Here at KittyKatBooty we gathered the most used words of the New Year!

1.) Happy

2.) New

3.) Year

4.) Vibes

5.) Murder

6.) Start

7.) Blackmail

8.) Panic

9.) Deadline

10.) Screwed

Apocalips

Jan. 1, 2015

A day that would haunt me for the rest of my life. I woke up not to the usual bustling of the city, but to silence. Confused, I opened my blinds to see streets with no parked cars. What I saw were bikes and citizens with barefoot running shoes. Moms were getting high in public. What was more disturbing is that the sun had not come out yet. What I thought was sunlight, was actually the glare of millions of E-Cigs in the palms of smokers desperate to fufill their “NYE Resolutions”.

I logged online, anxious to find out what was happening. Thousands of deaths were reported, with the majority stemming from activities victims were not familiar with. These included rock climbing, weightlifting, skateboarding, buttplugging, and mystery shopping. The world was coming to an end and we were doing it to ourselves.

An alarming statistic was brought to my attention: The victims had posted Facebook statuses about “new starts” and “goals”. Researchers found that once their status went past 30 likes, they were 90% more likely to die in a goal related accident. I needed to warn others. I ran outside trying to spread the word but everyone had wired their brain to only accept positive keywords like: Beneficial, Loved, Organic and Free Range. Refusing to give up I went online and posted a status telling people about the researchers findings. “Don’t post statuses about the New Year, just go about your day”

What followed next was disturbing. I watched as the likes gathered on my status, followed by comments of “Keep going”, “Good for you”, “Your dreams will come true”. It was a death sentence, I was doomed, Facebook took off the delete option. My time was running out. I heard a knock at my door and opened it. There stood a tall man in a trench coat who called himself “Buzzfeed”. He told me if I sign a contract, he will save my life. I was a desperate, I had no choice. I did it.

Later that day, Buzzfeed released “20 Reasons why liking a status ruins your mood”. The likes on my status stopped before it hit the death number. Another article was published called “10 Reasons why you should save your Resolutions for next year”. Buzzfeed saved my life, but it was a cycle. The world was in their hands now. Every new year is a new battle where Buzzfeed decides the winner. The end.

“So yea that’s my pitch, I think this will get a bunch of traction especially this month.”

“That’s an awesome idea Mike, the “fake article business” is booming and we need to take advantage of this. What should the link be?”

“Just do realtruthfulnews.com and have a picture of I guess Katrina victims hugging, that’ll get a click.”

“Sounds good, lets do it.”

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Santa Email Leak

To: North Pole Staff

CC: Rudolph, Dasher, Prancer

From: Santa

Merry Christmas All,

Good news first! We’ve hired our first ever African-American elf, Jave’el so don’t be alarmed if you see him hip-hopping around. More good news, our “X” presents (Presents dropped out of the sleigh by accident for you newbies) has decreased by 20% this year with only 12,710 dropped resulting in an all time low of 82 deaths. Great job this year staff.

Now the bad news! It’s that time of the year again, that awful time of year again, layoffs. As you all know, the budget has increased for these stupid kids. I love you all, but we had to let people go. Electronics were off the charts this year and I tried my best to fill up the naughty list but these kids are pussies these days. We lost our Coca-Cola sponsorship so we are now deciding between a couple of new sponsors which to name a few included: Bud Light, Bud Light Lime, Bud Light Cranberry and Friday’s Potato Skins. Also, there will be reporters on our asses during the upcoming weeks. As you all know, the Rudolph Scandal has loomed over us these past months and I am doing my best to put out the fire. We will be having media training next week and it is a REQUIREMENT which means ABSOLUTELY NO: Twitter, Facebook, 4chan, Reddit, Buzzfeed or whatever I don’t give a ho ho ho. If anyone has any questions as to why we are keeping Rudolph on staff other than the fact that he brings in 80% of our income, please, speak to me about it and I will GLADLY fucking fire you on the spot. This is a stressful time for all of us and we need to stick together.

Lastly, our annual end of the year Christmas Extravaganza will be held at The Snowman’s Carrot. They were nice enough  to take us off the blacklist after our incident two years ago. Once again a little factoid for our newbies, our head Elf decided to take 27 peppermint shots in a span of 30 minutes. We are now limited to a two hour open bar and after it will be $5 domestic drafts and NO SHOTS.

Signing Off,

Santa “Big Whitey Beard” Claus

P.S Anyone interested in Mrs. Claus’s Brownie Off please send an email to whattheelf@northpole.org

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NFL Bum Rounds Coverage

NFL Bum Rounds Coverage

We couldn’t afford the first round. Luckily, we were able to get some coverage for the later rounds.

Update 1: Apparently they’re not serving curly fries anymore, we were not happy. The draft continued.

Update 2: White dude got drafted, everyone is surprised because they thought the samoan dude was better.

Update 3: Dude sitting in front of me coughed, but the cough sounded like a fart so I texted it to Brian so the dude wouldn’t hear me talking about it.

Update 4: 10 more dudes got drafted when I went to the bathroom. When I sat down the Eagles drafted a coach. Straight up, didn’t think that was possible but he’s like 23 and he looks like he reads Complex.

Update 5: Mic problems hold up…..

Update 6: They’re still fixing it hold up….

Update 7: They told everyone to just be real quiet so they can yell the rest of the draft picks.

Update 8: They just read through the rest of the draft picks like I kid flying through his turn during classroom reading time.

Update 9: Yo….this dummy just said, “Shots on me tonight”, does he know he’s on the practice squad?

Update 10: They just moved us to the front row to make the event look crowded.

Update 11: There’s 8 people watching here and this dude just gave a 10 minute speech then started crying. This dude is a punter and he’s crying. I’m about to laugh real quick.

Update 12: Bum rounds are over. We got free tote bags and starter cards.

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Spring Fashion Guide

Spring Fashion Guide

Wear one of these every single day, for every single occasion and everyone will think you’re cool.

MUHHFUGGAS NEVER BRUNCHED US

MUHHFUGGAS NEVER BRUNCHED US

REMEMBAH???!

more booty coming soon you guys, we promise. we’ve been busy making “content” aka pictures of Drake on bratwurst aka giving the people what they want.

(as always, Brian is available for hire for all your hot-dog-drake photoshop needs. past work includes putting kanye’s head on a bee!!!!!!)

FYI: Tiff’s Oscar Party Pls RSVP

Bcc: Karlg_@gmail.com

From: tiffxo84xo@gmail.com

Hi ALL,

It’s that time of year again (drumroll pleeeaaase LOL) Tiff’s annual Oscar Party! Same place, this time without the in-laws LOL. This will be a black and white event (minus the blacks LOL sorry Jashon I had to) so come dressed to impress. There will be wine and food provided, Luke and I only ask that a few volunteer to bring:

– A great attitude

– A hungry tummy

– Plastic cups (We didn’t find the right deal at Costco)

We will make our predictions starting at the Red Carpet Preshow and we will also feature our own Red Carpet outside with a photographer from the local high school! Which will be followed by interviews and our favorite “Karaoke performances”!

I hope to see you all there!

xoxoTiff

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————-

To: tiffxo84xo@gmail.com

From: karlg_@gmail.com

Dear Tiff,

I could see every “person” you emailed this to and I can clearly see that I was the only person who was emailed. This is not an annual event or an event at all, I will not come over and watch the Oscar’s with you. I am not interested in dating you.

Best,

Karl

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Beyonce’s Surfing Academy

Beyonce's Surfing Academy

Tired of avoiding trips to the islands? Avoiding those weekend ragers at the shore? Barely being able to irritate that wood?

Beyonce’s Surfing Academy is here just for you!

Starting from age 3 and up we’ll teach you all the aspects of the great art of surfing!
Our trainers range from former pro surfers, shop owners, and sometimes Beyonce herself!
Use the promo code: GRDNWUD to get 50% off your first week!

Our academy is located in the soulful Brooklyn borough, the hotbed of basketball, and now SURFING! Classes are filling up, make your purchase today!

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