Tired of sitting on the couch and doing ab flexes on commercial breaks? Sick of saying maybe to Facebook invites? Listen, those unwanted nose hairs aren’t going to fall out themselves, so read every single sentence and let me show you how to incorporate these habits into your daily life.
Don’t brush your teeth, seriously. Every meal is an experience and your teeth are basically your second string brain. You wouldn’t want to erase your whole BACHELOR’S DEGREE from your brain, so don’t brush away your experience.
Do eat and drink plenty of fruit. Not just the boring stuff like apples and bananas, that’s not success. Anything with “fruit” in it is fair game. Crispy Pear Bath and Body Works shower gel? Fair game, munch it.
Don’t forget where you came from, at all times. As a highly successful person everyone wants to frame you so you must know all of your tracks. “Hello officer, no I did not murder my neighbor because 27 minutes ago I had to make a quick trip to Costco’s to purchase toothpaste in bulk.”
Do delete all your emails and messages right when you wake up. Some people say to wait at least an hour after you wake up to check messages, but if you’re successful why check them? As soon as you open your eyes delete every single item and get ahead.
Don’t exercise at all. Successful people don’t let their bodies tell them what to do, they tell their bodies what to do. Instead, yell at your chest every five hours “GET FIT!” and reap the benefits.
Do something scary and challenge yourself. See how many banks you can rob without killing someone or see how many explicit texts you can send to your wife’s sister while blaming it on autocorrect.
Don’t be nice to anyone, not even your cat. Never say “thank you” and throw the door behind you. Before you know it people will be throwing every compliment they can think of your way. Why? Because they now hate themselves and need to hear that they’re worth something from you.
Do invest in every company that makes chips. It will never go out of business and every successful person knows that you make a dollar every time someone eats a chip. People may ask why and you tell them “Are you hungry? Not now but you can still eat a chip.” Amazing right?
Don’t read a new book each week, just write one instead. Pick a new genre every week and throw it on your newsfeed for sale. Everyone will respect your work ethic and broad range of knowledge in literature. Can someone say, Horrorromantica non-fiction?
AND number 10? Never finish strong, save your energy for your own well being.
If this doesn’t work for you in 48 hours, you will qualify for a free jar of success straight from my storage. What is a jar of success? Find out next time in my next article, “How HIGHLY Successful People keep being Successful.”